The 7-Gateways of Connection
I recently had an insight that I honestly wish someone had explained to me 20-years ago. It is about how humans connect and how community works. I call it the 7-Gateways of Connection.
We discussed this on today’s live group call with my Sensing Ground members and there were heads vigorously nodding in agreement that THIS IS ESSENTIAL LIFE INFORMATION FOR SANITY!
Many of my members identify as highly sensitive people, who can see into the depth of a person or situation; and they become disillusioned or confused as to why others might ignore what appears to be in clear view. Why don’t they step up, offer support, return the call or chime in with an opinion? Why can relationships seem one-sided or imbalanced?
You may ask yourself: Why am I the one who keeps connections alive?
Many people feel rejected and uncertain about why some people choose not to connect in deep or intimate ways. For someone who is born with a sort of sensitivity for “realness” and depth, it can be mind-boggling to comprehend why others would NOT want to enter into a state of raw connection: no masks, no hiding, no pretending. Just “isness”, anywhere.
However, this level of authentic connection takes bandwidth, capacity and nervous system resilience.
Many people feel insecure and overwhelmed by big ideas, deep insights or complex relationships.
The majority of people feel more settled and nourished by “light and cheerful” interactions.
Yet, I would say everyone yearns for the real, raw connection (“Divine Union”), but most people are afraid of this and subconsciously avoid it.
It is scary and it can trigger fears of rejection—so this makes sense.
Our collective ‘yearning’ for something more can lead to addictions of so many forms.
Connection is the balm that soothes this ache.
But many of us avoid connection and instead reach for more avoidance strategies (food, sex, drugs, social media, TV series, ‘doing stuff’… etc).
So when you feel that heartwrenching blah feeling, with nowehere to turn, or that nobody ‘gets’ you or ‘meets’ you, this is not a rejection; it is a mismatch in communication styles and connection capacity.
The impact of this mismatch can result in low self-esteem, low confidence and confusion for both parties.
One person might feel overwhelmed by conversations venturing into interior depth, perhaps they have not much to say yet; and the other might feel invisible or “cut off” amidst regular banter that avoids the interior landscape.
So the 7-Gateways of Connection; let’s talk about it.
For many of my clients, and for myself too, there is this painful yearning that carries on through life. It is like a dull ache that nobody talks about but just lingers while the daily routine goes on and on…
So, what are we yearning for and what is this ache pointing us towards?
Why do therapies feel completely unable to scratch the ‘intimacy and connection’ itch?
(As one of my dear friends who is psychotherapist said recently “It doesn’t feel right to pay for intimate connection”.)
This road map is for those of you who seek deep connection and intimacy with others, but you feel perhaps unable to find it.
Maybe you feel that there are few people, if any, to really talk to about the deep soulful stuff of your interior life.
Who has time for that anyway, right?
(Clue: these people do exist and they do have time for it.)
Maybe you feel as though friendships and relationships are a bit draining or superficial, and you can’t quite gauge how to crack the code of intimacy?
Where are these Soulful friends who enjoy sharing the depths of human experience without judgment or agenda?
You will find them at what I call Gateway 7.
Connection and intimacy develop through sharing information (both verbally and nonverbally). We swap ideas, stories, emotions and all of sorts of details to connect. We offer our attention to each other, we are available, and we show presence.
Some connections are superficial and others are deeply wholehearted and intimate. Both types of connection serve a purpose.
I will map these stages and phases of connection into 7 Gateways.
This is not a hierarchy and all people move between these Gateways. Let’s start with Gateway 1.
Gateway 1 is where all humans connect. This is where we swap information about easily accessible ideas: the weather, the news, the football and so on. At this gateway, no personal information is shared.
Gateway 2 is where we choose to share a little personal information about ourselves to help others in our community know where to find us. We might tell them our favourite weather, our prefered supermarket, the place we do yoga or the type of coffee we drink. At this gateway of connection we find situational friends in our community who we may see in passing, share a weekly class with and say hello to.
Gateway 3 is where friendships begin to form and I call this gateway the ‘Blame and Complain’ gate. This is when we meet intentionally with certain people and begin to share some of our insecurities or vulnerabilities often through the channel of blaming and complaining (whether we want to admit that or not, is another story… but we all do this blaming and complaining at some points in life).
Many friendships form through these shared complaints. It is at this gateway that we may start to feel belonging and a deeper connection or shared sense of identity with others. However, it is not a robust friendship yet, and it may fracture if complaints being shared no longer align. These friendships are loaded with insecurities, hiding and expectations.
Gateway 4 is where we begin to look beneath our complaints and instead of blaming others, we turn inwards to see how we can grow. This is a gateway of self awareness and self inquiry that is shaped by an external structure. So we may begin to see a therapist, mentor, coach, astrologer, kinesiologist, spiritual guru or so on. In this inquiry at gateway 4 we may begin to share more of ourselves with special others or professionals. We begin to understand our inner world, our thoughts, emotions, fears and desires. This works well for us if we feel the chosen modality meets our needs. This could be Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT), somatic experiencing therapy, mindfulness therapies or so on. If these protocols and structures feel nourishing then you get your need for connection met and you feel good. You can stop at this gateway. 😉
However, if your body is screaming at you with persistent unresolved symptoms then you may be getting called for deeper intimacy with yourself… (if you have an anxious/avoidant attachment style, this can be very confronting).
Common symptoms at the Gateway 4-5 threshold include:
Bodily aches, tinnitus, dizziness, vertigo, insomnia, digestive issues, skin issues, sexual cravings or dysfunction, menstrual flooding or irregularities, hormonal disruptions, exhaustion, confusion, agitation, irritation, panic and/or fatigue that do not respond to external treatments…
You can fight this process and live with a myriad ‘diagnoses’ or you can move forward into the next Gateway, harnessing your own curiosity, loving awareness, intention and attention. The inward journey now begins—without an external map. Your body is the map!
Gateway 5 is where after we have tried all the therapies, all the devices, and all the things yet we still feel NQR–we are at a void. We do not feel understood, seen, heard or met. There has been an honest effort to connect with others in life personally and professionally, yet we feel disillusioned and let down. The chosen myriad therapies or astrology readings (whatever it is) feel like a cage that just can’t expand large enough to meet our wholeness. We feel a lack of genuine deep connection and booking in for another 60-minute-session to talk with someone inside of a protocol just does not feel nourishing. There is a lack of real reciprocity and the connection is too transactional.
So this gateway 5 is the moment of struggle. We feel that the outer world is not meeting us in the way that we need it. We feel alone, stuck, hopeless, helpless, powerless and possibly unsure of everything. This is a rite of passage: we have outgrown the current external systems and structures and we want more from life. This gateway is difficult and this gateway is where I see many people with persistent symptoms join my ROCK STEADY self-study community to understand themselves better on their own terms. And it is also where I see many others become heavily medicated and pathologized. They may stop moving torwards intimacy and connection to themelseves and remain stuck between gateway 4-5, feeling alone, misunderstood and sick. Gateway 5 can easily turn into an endless goose chase for expert opinions, fixes or elusive cures.
Gateway 6 is where we discover our internal resources and we meet our ancestral or spirit support ‘team’. In ancient days this was where teenagers were given a rite of passage to go ‘walk about’ and find themselves and their own inner authority alone in the wilderness. They needed to not only physically survive for days alone in a natural landscape (some would not return), but to also mentally, emotionally and spiritually find their own sense of place without guidance from any external authority. They were learning sovereignty and how to connect with their ancenstors.
In the modern world, this rite of passage is more likely an initiation that comes through illness or a significant challenge that leaves us searching for meaning and guidance in the depths of our own aloneness. At this gateway of connection to ourselves, we learn that we do indeed have supportive non-human members in our community who we can call upon 24/7! At gateway 6 we stop looking outside of ourselves for connection, and we radically turn inwards to deeply meet our true self. We arrive at home inside of our own inner belonging, deeply connected to the wider world and our place within it. We connect to nature and community in a different way, without masks or pretense. We become authentic and settled in who we are with nothing to prove and nothing to fix. We have learned how to meet our own needs. We become strong and we outgrow our repeating “symptoms”. We have confidence in how we naviagate our own health physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and relationally.
Gateway 7 is where we learn how to be witnessed by others in our authenticity, and how to witness others in return. We become deeply comfortable with raw, real, vulnerable human experiences and we can share this anywhere, with anyone. We are no longer hiding or reserving our true self for only special people or behind therapy doors. We are now free to connect with unconditional love with anyone. At this gateway we can see and appreciate where others are on their journey towards connection and intimacy, so we can connect at any gateway and keep our door open for deeper connections as others are ready to do so. It is no big deal when others walk away, shut down or are not available for connection–whether that is a romantic partner, family memer, friend, community member or colleague. Our door is open, our heart is softened and we are curious to meet the moment wherever we find ourselves. Connection is deeply rooted in presence. We all start at gateway 7 when we are born, but for many of us, this intimate connection is not prioritised, safe or given the opportunity to thrive.
Throughout life, we traverse all of these gateways as our capacity changes over the years and stages of life.
If you find yourself avoiding certain people, places or situations, and complaining about others or your body, you are likely in a gateway 3 phase. If you are engaged deeply in a therapeutic process, perhaps you are in a gateway 4 phase. If you are meeting a Dark Night of the Soul, perhaps you are in a gateway 5 phase… and so on.
Many of my Sensing Ground members are now talking about this exquisite feeling of meeting at gateway 7 and feeling a sense of something new. There are no tangles, no expectations, no insecurities. We are free to be who we are and nobody else needs to tend, bend or fawn for us. There is no people-pleasing; instead, there are real people connecting with authentic loving care. It can get rugged and edgy; it is an invigorating feeling!
No gateway is better or worse than the other; each gateway serves its purpose.
We all journey through the various gateways in our own way. The big lesson here is to not get stuck at gateway 3 or 4. Keep moving through gateway 5! Find your way to gateway 6!
This is the trap.
If your tinnitus or dizziness is raging and intense, it could be that your body compass is calling you in deeper for connection. Complaining and blaming can feel seductive, but it doesn’t help us to get our neurological needs met.
Feeling stuck in the wheel of therapy appointments may not be the solution. If you do feel deeply connected to and nourished by a therapist, then gateway 4 may be the perfect pitstop for you, for now. Your body will let you know.
If you feel really lost, confused and alone—maybe it is time for you to explore gateway 5 and 6 so that you can move onwards toward the intimacy and soul connection that you are yearning for. TO be seen. To be understood. To be known by others for who you are, not merely looked at in a superficial way.
The ROCK STEADY and SENSING GROUND programs both offer spaces for you to enter this inward journey and be witnessed as you struggle, as you feel lost and as you meet the depths of your aloneness. These programs guide you through the struggle of gateway 5.
Outgrowing external protocols is a bit scary… I know, I had to do it too. I remember feeling so ANGRY at the fact that nobody could seem to help! The experience of anger, was my body compass pointing me to enter gateway 5… the inner struggle. I had to learn how to release expectations upon the outer world. I had to be self-responsible in ways that I did not want — but I needed it.
The reward on the other side of this struggle is a strong sense of connection, depth, intimacy and resilience.
Once you come through the other side of your struggle and find your way to gateway 7, you will feel this invigoration that I speak about. Intimate connection with all humans is a beautiful and rare phenomenon.
Meeting at gateway 7 with another person who is also at gateway 7 is quite rare!
You can watch the video I made today on the 7-Gateways in my free facebook group.
You are welcome to join if you wish to follow more of my online conversations.
Warmest,
Joey xo
