Let’s talk about Internalised Criticism and Being Dismissive.
Okay, so this newsletter is about the world we live in AND the bodies we live in. Both environments, both worlds, both realities.
You inhabit two worlds: inner and outer.
You control your inner world, not the outer.
For most of my life, I would have argued that I have internal kindness and a strong sense of self. I seem to embody a true (and rare) sense of sovereignty and self-assuredness.
However, insidiously, in the subconscious background of my inner world there is a strong narrative of criticism.
And yet, I couldn’t see or hear this voice. It was so effective at hiding from my awareness. It is the constant hum of subtle anxiety that makes me doubt myself or question my worth.
It is the nasty voice that somehow manages to drag down my self-esteem and cause me to isolate myself from the world of people in SUBTLE ways.
People have always seen me as confident, unapologetically authentic and wise. This feedback is something that I received since childhood–and it made no sense to me! What does that even mean? What a strange thing to say to me!
On the inside, what nobody could see, was that I was hiding myself. I was holding back my intensity, my creativity, my boldness, my deeper spark for life. I had a million stories to share and nobody to share with them with because my interior world was vast, rich, expansive and ‘full on’.
What nobody could see, was that on the inside I was deeply apologetic for my presence. I felt sorry for anyone who had to endure my company or listen to my prolific stories and soulful meandering.
People would come and go from my life, year in and year out.
They saw a confident, unapologetically authentic woman, and yet I felt ‘othered’, looked at, pedestaled, treated as entertainment, criticised, dismissed or made fun of.
The way I was TREATED by the outer world lacked depth, sensitivity, loving attention and richness.
I internalised this behaviour to mean something about who I am.
This insidious narrative set in, deeply scaring my neural wiring, telling me that I am a failure, I am a bad person and I am wrong to be who I am.
This continuous subconscious attack has lived with me, 24/7.
And, dear reader, you will have your own version of this.
We all have a subconscious landscape that is just out of our awareness–it is not yet conscious.
These are the stories, thoughts, ideas and beliefs that plague us while we try to live our lives. We cannot hear these voices or see these stories. These subconscious patterns become the air that we breathe and the water that we metaphorically swim in.
So how do we make them conscious, so that we can be in right relationship with these internal stories, voices, ideas, thoughts, beliefs?
I do this by Sensing Ground.
I notice what I notice.
By noticing how I interpret other people’s behaviour, and noticing how I move in the world in response to this, I notice patterns.
I become aware of repeating patterns. The world shows me my subconscious landscape.
So, when I am abundant and expansive, feeling deep self-connection and loving kindness toward all that I am–this is exactly what I see in the world around me. I feel it inside. I feel whole, beautiful, secure and steady.
Yet, when I see criticism, when I feel dismissed by others, when I feel distanced or avoided by others (and all of that behaviour can be real, true and not imagined)–this reflects my own relationship to my inner world.
So the question or inquiry becomes: Where am I criticising, dismissing, avoiding or distancing myself?
This brings me into alignment with myself.
I can see and notice the 24/7 subconscious attack on my psyche!
I can then invite that in for a cup of tea, to chat. We can get to know each other and I can choose which stories and beliefs I hold onto.
This is power. My choice to hold onto or to keep inner stories.
This is your power too.
We feel helpless, hopeless and powerless when we do not contact this richness within ourselves.
When we lose intimacy with our own inner truth.
When we gaslight ourselves and pretend that we are ‘all good’ and ‘everything is fine’, we lose our power.
If you feel NQR–your body compass is telling you that something is NOT QUITE RIGHT. And that something is VERY likely to be your internal relationship with the subconscious narrative.
This work is deep, messy, at times painful.
It takes humility to admit to ourselves that this is even happening.
It takes courage.
We finally stop searching externally for a ‘fix, cure or solution’ and we turn inwards to develop our own relationship to our inner experience.
You are the expert in yourself and your inner experience.
Whatever you see in others, and the way you speak about your body or your symptoms is a reflection of your inner relationship.
When your inner relationship is strong, you speak with your body, not about it.
When your inner friendship is strong, you do not blame symptoms or try to get rid of them; instead you work with the message that they are giving you and you lovingly respond to your body. You deeply befriend yourself and your loving attention strengthens during hardship, intensity, mystery and darkness. You become the best-friend that you need during your darkest moments.
When your inner relationship is in trouble and struggling, you blame others, you complain about your body and you enter the goose chase for answers. We all do this; we google for solutions and look outwards instead of inwards for wisdom.
During these outwardly-focused times, you more likely to feel exhausted, malnourished, worried, anxious, afraid, alone, isolated. It impacts every relationship, not just your own inner relationship. You may feel misunderstood and unmet by others, because this is a mirror for how you are not yet able to meet yourself fully. This is a life long journey and we go through iterations of this.
I find these outward-seeking periods fertile with lessons to learn.
Some periods of life may feel strong, settled, abundant and healthy. You got this. Inner strength.
Other periods of life may feel hard, scary, lonely, impossible, painful and despairing. During these times, we learn the skills we need to upgrade our internal relationship. We grow and evolve.
Life is not supposed to be easy and comfortable all the time.
That is one helluva myth.
Struggle, darkness, difficulty, and hardship is a certainty.
These are parts of our natural cycles.
The question is: Are you meeting yourself and rising to meet the challenges with an increased capacity for loving kindness?
Or are you stuck, projecting your difficulties onto others (complaining and blaming–we all do it, I certainly do too) and wanting someone else to save, rescue or fix you?
There is a sweet medicinal balm that flows once we shift our relationship to these inner narratives of criticism and attack.
We see it for what it is. The world reflects this back to us if we learn to read to the outer world as a mirror.
So what next? You feel stuck and unmet, the mirror is ugly.
We can strengthen our boundary and come home to who we are by recognising the subconscious “psychic attack” (eg. Your body will show you these attacks in your body scan through symptoms and inner beliefs such as “I am a failure, my body is weak, these symptoms are too much, I can’t heal” etc) and making it conscious. Notice what you notice.
When you live in conscious relationship to yourself, your inner world becomes flooded with new stories and beliefs that sound more like this: “I am here for you, I am stronger than these sensations, tell me more, I am listening, what are learning here, what can I do in this moment to support you through this, maybe this experience is exactly what i need to feel through right now…”
Where are you on your journey towards deep, radical, inner friendship? A place within yourself where you rest deeply and there are no more complaints.
Are you catching your inner stories of helplessness, hopelessness, or powerlessness?
Your symptoms, your body and your relationship struggles in the world will be giving you CLUES as to where you need to pay more loving attention to yourself and your inner relationship.
To learn more, join Sensing Ground.
We explore this inner terrain in detail.
Nobody has it all together–we explore this ongoing inquiry as a community with loving kindness and curiosity.
We meet 3 x a month on live group calls.
You receive self-study modules to support your inner inquiry process to discover your own inner stories, one at a time.
Sensing Ground has been profoundly life-changing for me.
My strengths are becoming more visible; my weaknesses are becoming more supported.
I invite you to take your power back and join me in Sensing Ground.
